MONSTER KILLER

 Monster Killer here.

(A da-da chord in a minor key.)

(in a low, male voice, like the narrator of Dragnet):

I remember that first day. A monster spider came out of hiding--out of nowhere, it seemed--that morning in Koriyama. It was 2010, and my spouse and I were having devotions together. The creepy crawler--Gray, I'll call it--had all the intention of interrupting our peace, and I couldn't forgive it.

It crawled onto my Bible. So I let him have it. Slam. Open--he was still wriggling. Slam. Open--still alive. Bam. Persistent critter, he was. Wham. I heard a loud crack, almost pop, as if its backbone--or whatever it is insects have--finally gave way. My next move was to switch from my position to the waste basket and dispose of the lifeless carcass. Excuse me. Carcasses are usually lifeless.

The next day was in Miya-cho. Our church, Bethel Baptist, had moved to new headquarters. June 28, 2012. We decided to have our first prayer meeting there, and were making our way through the boxes from the old building to go upstairs when it happened. A monster cockroach came out of hiding, twirling antlers at us as if to say, "You fellas think you got a good thing with this meeting place, huh? Well, it's not such a big deal: look; it's got former brown residents like me!" I couldn't forgive it. So I got my trusty shoe and wham. Wha--he looked like he hadn't been hurt at all, was about to dart off. Wham. Still darting. Wham, wham, wham--I gave it to him. He stopped darting and twirling his antlers...excuse me. Antennas. Roaches usually have antennas.

The third time was a few days ago. Daughter Emily's room is spic-and-span, an unlikely spot for a roach appearance. But there it was, again twirling its ant...ennas. "This 'partment isn't so grand, either, see?" it seemed to mockingly say. Huge feller. I called for back-up, and my partner came into the room carrying his trusty colt...I mean, pest-spray. He fired it in the direction of the shiny brown thing. After several shots, it seemed disoriented, running out in the open instead of scurrying for cover. I let him have it with the tissue box I had handy. Bam...still twitching...bam...flattern' a pancake, and its antlers were now motionless. Hm; he'd looked humongous, but this one was the easiest to take out. I was glad I had my firearm with me...excuse me; it was only a tissue box. I usually carry a tissue box with me. (Actually, I don't; it just seemed the thing to say.)

Monster Killer vs. Gray, Monster Killer vs. Brown, and Monster Killer vs. Shiny Brown...so far, Monster Killer is 3-0.

Yours truly,

M.K.